Just Breathe

Quick update because I need sleep like you wouldn't believe.

The day following Holly's last post she got very sick. High fever, vomiting, headache. We went to the ER, left at 4am on Saturday morning only to return at 7am Sunday when incoherence was added to her already terrible list of symptoms. Since then she's been in the Respiratory ICU fighting an unknown infection. Her biggest struggle has been her high oxygen requirements. She forgets to breathe sometimes and for a while there we could probably play a Ramones song to the fast beeping of her machines.

Yesterday she had surgery again. They cut her head open, drained some fluid and cleaned the flap (piece of skull removed for surgery) and wound very well. Tests on the fluid came back today negative for infection.

She's been feeling a little better after five long days in ICU. Oxygen requirements have decreased. They are trying to get her into a regular room but there is no room in the inn. Too many sickos I guess.

I'm just happy to see her feeling better. It was so heartbreaking to see her so sick. Hopefully she'll be back to blogging soon. If anyone gets bored while waiting you can listen to Holly's new favorite song HERE. You should really do that even if you're not bored.

The Needle and the Damage Done

Hello Dear Readers
I am a little behind on my blog it's hard to keep up when your face has grown to the size of well it's like a balloon clown face, it's not pretty I can't even open my mouth all the way and my cheeks are so big my eyes are all squinty. I got a really cute scarf online at Old Navy and I wrap it around my head and cover my face and hide in my house, It's not so bad.

Please wish with me it goes away before I know I have to leave the house....Sept. 28 Pearl Jam at the E-Center plus the Wishlist Foundation Party Raffle that Bryon is throwing at The Puck before the show, this is big people all the money is being donated to amazing causes and there will be signed Pearl Jam stuff along with other items and it's a party. Yesterday in the mail we got a package from Pearl Jam with posters and stickers it was like Christmas. I love this band. Come to the Party, Come to the show!

On to the next topic. My Dr visit and the reason for the needle and the damage done. The Dr stuck a needle into the top of my head, beforehand he told Bryon to sit down because well I guess he thought he might faint. I'm not sure, so he has this huge needle and he sticks it in my head and starts pulling out liquid from my head, we had looked at my MRI films before this and I looked like a cone head seriously it was very disturbing, he ended up pulling 20ml of fluid from my head. The liquid was a golden color and smelled quite bad. He sent it to the lab and put a band aid on my head. He is going to call tomorrow to tell me if it is something we need to worry about. I am worried because my head is soft on top which means it is filling with more liquid that will need to be taken out with a needle that goes into my head and well people it hurt. Oh and he said all of my side effects (sweating,crazy,emotional,fat face,hurt knees) will all go away when I go off steroids this week, I am skeptical, nothing about this has been easy so I am not getting my hopes up!

So now you are updated, Holly

Where The Wild Thing Are

And it was still Hot....




I love that line. It is the last line of one of my most favorite books ever written, Where the Wild Things Are. This book was read to me countless times as a child. Me and my brothers loved it and when other books were read to us the line And it was still Hot was always added at the end. As I grew older and began babysitting and being a nanny I did the same, the book ended and It Was Still Hot.

I had my MRI Monday and of course me being claustrophobic was dreading it, but my Dr had planned an IV with a lovely cocktail of drugs so it would be better. I got there way early, I sat in the waiting room and It was still Hot was all I could think of plus being in a coffin. I honestly have never sweated so much in my life, my hair was drenched, people were staring. I finally got called back and the real fun began, the IV poke plus drugs, the wet wash clothes they just put over my face, the nurse who commented on my Moon Face and said "It must be so hard to look in the mirror" (ouch) and then into the MRI machine which is totally a freezer I can't believe I am going to say it but it felt good in there, the nurse who said I was ugly massaged my feet for 40 min. and then I was OUT!

It felt like I had been there all day but when I got home it was 3pm. The first thing I did was take my meds because I hadn't taken them yet then I called my dad. I told him about the experience and how I thought of And It Was Still Hot and right there on the phone he told me the story of Where the Wild Things Are, it was just how I remembered it but with little sprinkles of Brad added in because he was telling it from memory, Max still sailed to the land of Wild Things, they roared their terrible roars, and gnashed their terrible teeth and there was a wild rumpus of course. It was a needed break from my life. I felt good after that until 10 pm. Then I broke. I won't give you much details just say that I cried like a child who had been read a lovely story at 3pm but decided to cry from 10 to 11pm till was given a Xanax and sent to bed.

So the moral of the story is I am a child, I love stories and sometimes I cry a lot and need to be sent to bed. Oh and I sweat alot.

Don't stop me now

In case anyone was wondering......I am done, I give up, Can't do it anymore, have to give up and don't care. Today was the worst day of my life NOT EXAGGERATING. So for today and all night I am done. Hopefully tomorrow will be better blah blah blah. It probably won't but maybe I will hopefully not hate the world or my life as much as I do in this moment. Good Night

This Song May Help..............Queen Don't Stop Me Now..............Listen and let me know

Late Night Crafting

I can't sleep who wants cards?


Oh and by the way I found about a dozen really great craft blog/sites that are way up my alley. I have a disease!

http://kari-youcanmakeit.blogspot.com/

http://www.mindymaesmarket.com/

http://www.theletteredcottage.net/

http://homemadebyjill.blogspot.com/

http://heritageunwrapped.blogspot.com/

http://sew4home.com/

Oh What A Beautiful Morning Oh What A Beautiful Day.....

I've got a wonderful feeling, Everything's going my way?

My most favorite of all flowers is the Dahlia. I decided I needed one or a whole lot. I started calling around to local flower shops, you know Clearfield House of Flowers, Tony's Villa even Fruit Flowers which only makes edible flower creations, and about 5 more, no one had a Dahlia. I was very sad but I figured when I got back to SLC I could find a beautiful Dahlia no problem. Late last night I had an idea...maybe they had flowers at the SLC Farmer's Market! Yes! They must! Flowers and Farmers! Of Course! So I got on my phone with internets and found out the time they open and texted Bryon who was sleeping soundly next door, the couch was my bed because I was having a sleepless movie watching night, I watched On the Beach, it was enjoyable but the book was better.

So I set my alarm on my phone for 7:45 and it said this alarm is set for 3 hour 36 min. from now, well goodness I thought better just close my eyes and try, well it worked and at 7:40 Bryon woke up because he does not sleep in on the weekends ever, he takes drives, and said to me "Market Time!" and we were off! I looked like a scarecrow what with my new black scarf to cover my terrible rash and my straw like hair, but I was excited. This was my first time at a farmer's market after all.

I emptied my purse to hold any purchases and we walked into Pioneer Park. It was not packed but there were plenty of people, pets and booths. There were arts and crafts and vegetables and fruits and breads and cheeses, it was amazing! We decided to find the flowers first of course and after about 25 booths we made it, I believe it was the lone flower booth and the selection looked lovely, they had Dahlia's! Thank the heavens! I decided to get a bouquet with a nice mix of flowers. I was so pleased, I mean really pleased my Moon Face smiled, painfully smiled. We then took on the rest of the market. We got some danishes and strawberry limeade for breakfast, some corn because it is so good with butter, Sriracha hot chili sauce and parmesan cheese, a baguette and got a free bag from Select Health. The market was a huge success. We took our items and headed home.

I was a bit sleepy what with all the walking and the not sleeping the night before so I took my morning meds and at 10am went back to bed. It was a glorious nap. I slept till 1:15 pm when Bryon returned from a day trip to Provo. I then spent the afternoon doing whatever I pleased. I attempted to arrange my flowers, they did not really turn out as perfect as I would have wanted but after 20 minutes I was killing my good day so I stopped and put them on my messy table. They brighten the place right up. I then had a lunch of Market baguette and Uncle Mike tomatoes, wow it was good. We had plans to spend the rest of the day with my sister in laws Wendy and Tameron, plus all their adorable kids. It was so much fun and my sweating was minimal! We talked and played and ate. These ladies are amazing cooks I am serious, we ate the most delicious Chile Verde and quesadillas. It was a day of great food and the Verde topped it! Wendy is a massage therapist and she rubbed my dead arm, she is the best.


Basically this day was good, I give it a 8.5 because unfortunately my mood did not last when we got home, a girl can only be good for so long. So sorry Bryon and Taylor (Bryon's nephew who is staying the night) for all my outburst and crankiness tonight. I will leave you all tonight with picture of my flowers please enjoy.

Go Ask Alice

The time has come, my little friends, to talk of other things / Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings / And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wigs / Calloo, Callay, come run away / With the cabbages and kings.

Alice in Wonderland, what a movie. I just love it. I have seen it many times, quite a few times with my good friend Aubrie. When I think of Alice I think of Aubrie, I also think of a Caterpillar smoking a hookah pipe (I assume) and saying crazy, wonderful things like
Caterpillar: Who... are... you?
Alice: Why, I hardly know, sir. I've changed so much since this morning, you see...
Caterpillar: No, I do not C, explain yourself.
Alice: I'm afraid I can't explain myself, you see, because I'm not myself, you know.
Caterpillar: I do not know.
Alice: I can't put it any more clearly, sir, because it isn't clear to me.

Those words describe me Exaketededly (as the Caterpillar would say) How I have been feeling lately, I have changed so much and I hardly know myself. I do weird things, I say even stranger and I have stopped doing things I love and started things doing things I never thought to do before the tumor removal. That tumor had a brain, or controlled mine quite a bit I think, and now that its out I am a new person, I have to learn to be this new person. That scares me. Add to it the new pain med and my life is Alice in Wonderland. This pain med is Soma, it eases the pain but mostly I think it just numbs my brain and makes me forget, it puts me in an Alice in Wonderland state of mind. Which is good and bad. I am loopy and as Steff said go into a Soma Coma but I forget the pain, along with other stuff I am sure. I don't like to rely on drugs even though now I am taking at least 8 for my symptoms.

I have an MRI on Monday which I am dreading of course what with the fear of them locking me in there and not letting me out ever, but don't worry I will be drugged and hopefully they will let someone in to hold my leg which comforts me greatly. I also have an appointment with the great Dr. Macfarlane on Tuesday to review the MRI and chat about my problems, did I mention I have a horrible rash all over my neck, chest, arms and back? It's not a pretty sight. So everyone go watch Alice in Wonderland no drugs needed it will take you on a lovely trip of eating mushrooms, little girls mistaken for serpents and of course painting the roses red.
Peace, Holly

maybe later

Sorry I got the Blues, the Vaughn D' s, the down in the dumps, think I will just go to bed, now I am sure all my readers, you know all11 of you will understand. It will be a joyous post tomorrow, me and Vicky Lynn are making salsa, maybe a little spice will cheer me up, talk back soon.

No one likes a Whiner

So I have noticed that I don't get any comments from any of my downer posts, and folks I live on comments and emails and snail mail. So tonight prepare for something a bit more joyful or maybe slightly less angry. Maybe it will be about my new prescription for soma.

Being Broke

Does anyone want to know what the best part of not working and not getting disability or anything from my job and having 1 income that has to cover the bills of 2 people plus paying thousands and thousands in hospital bills?

You get to eat everything in the freezer that has been there for months, for dinner I had a box of veggies including Lima beans, carrots, black beans and some green beans I think, and also a corn dog that I know was purchased at the beginning of the summer. My freezer should be empty soon and I think we have beef tortellini to look forward too! Can't you just see all my blessings!!!!!!???!?!??!??! Wait where are they? Can you sense my bitterness tonight? Someone will say it will get better soon don't worry! But my friends I see no light at the end of this tunnel. Except Vanessa made me feather headbands, that's so cool.

It's dumb to complain about food I have veggies from Uncle Mike to make salsa, I have some sort of meat pie, but what am I supposed to do about everything else? Sorry for the vent! I am stressed to the max tonight. My dad's dog Poochie is getting fixed in the am and I am worried for her. Gonna try to sleep, think positive and dream.

I hate this....Please Donate.

Holly

A Good Book

A good book for me is never hard to find. I could spend hours at Ken Sanders or Barnes and Noble looking at books, touching books, and reading a few lines. I don't often buy anything because I am poor but just being around the words makes me happy. I have a few books that I have read at least a dozen times, Bryon things it is so strange that I can pick up Slaughter House Five for the 13th time and still enjoy it, same goes for Harry Potter I am not ashamed to admit those are good books. At Ken Sanders I love to look at the children's section and the occult section, is that weird? The books there have a story, last Christmas I bought my mom some Beatrice Potter books and they had jam on them, well I hope it was jam. Bryon has just about every Kurt Vonnegut book, all given to him from me, I am not the best gift giver so basically every holiday, birthday just for fun gift I have given him it's a Vonnegut book. He is our favorite author so we should own all his works right? His books have the best quotes, when I read his books I keep a notebook next to me and write my favorite lines. I will share a couple of my favorites

*"Pretend to be good always,and even God will be fooled."- God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater

*"Goodbye Blue Monday." -Breakfast of Champion

*"If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph: THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD WAS MUSIC"-Vonnegut's Blues for America

*Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt.-Slaughterhouse-Five

OK that will do.

The point of this book post is that I have not picked up a book in over a month, I have listened to one on my iPod but the desire to pick up a book, one of my favorite things to do is gone. I have the time, I have the books but I have lost my book need. I hope it comes back. I think maybe it has something to do with my hand/arm, it's not strong, it's a limp, asleep appendage, I have been crocheting to build strength I type slower than a child, my handwriting takes serious concentration. Tomorrow I will pick up a book and see what happens. I need to fall in love with a good book, a new one or maybe an old friend like The Hours. If anyone has a book recommendation please send them along.
Love your sweaty friend,
Holly

Just call me Moon Face

Oh just another day in Paradise with me, Holly Vaughn. I had a great day and by great I mean really really awful night of no sleep, I take back my comment regarding having made peace with not sleeping because there are so many fun ways to fill the night, I was wrong, I just want to sleep. I don't want to watch The Way We Were, I don't want to listen to my iPod, I don't want to cut paper to make cards, I don't want to make to do list. I want to put my head on the pillow, I want to close my eyes, I want to wake up 8+ hours later. Not the 3 I have been getting from 6 to 9 am.

So I wake up at 9 today and had a good visit with my mom and brother Philip. This part of the day really was good. We chatted and ate bananas and my mom cleaned my dishes and Philip and Bryon played Guitar Hero. It was so nice to see Philip, he has always seemed like my older brother he is so smart, artistic and hilarious. My mom lives the love language of service, she is so loving in every way but she cleans my house and I feel very very special. Around 11:30 I started getting the disease, we will call it the green disease because it is when I start feeling like the hulk is going to take over my body, ya know Chris Benoit style. It is around this time that I make a comment about my face was feeling strange/hurting. Vicky takes a look, feels it, then Bryon takes a turn. It's tight and looks puffy, it's so tight it's like stretched looking on my cheek bones plus puffy, am I describing this well at all? Now it's time to google and wiki and get to the bottom of this condition, and this is what they find
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moon_face
http://www.medicinenet.com/cushings_syndrome/article.htm

OK so wonderful I am now more of a freak and this freak needs her bed and a dose of Xanax. My mom helped with that, and I vented oh heavens did I vent, I basically told her the same crap I write on here everyday but I did it straight very little pauses, why is my life so hard, why doesn't anyone like me, my mom is a great listener but I was in too deep in my D's (that's what we call depression in the Vaughn family, the D's then we usually follow it up with a This To Shall Pass and call it good.) I was sad and it couldn't be helped so I just went with it for a few hours till it was a little better. This post is pretty long, Miles will say.

Then the worst part of the whole day for a cry baby that is......Bryon went out to do some errands and forgot to get my frosty, my cool down feel better improve my day improve my life chocolate chip cookie dough frosty from Wendy's I almost died I kid you not. Of course he went back out like the hero that he is but man I need help. We watched Curb your Enthusiasm and I ate my frosty. It was a bad day for me but reading this post it really doesn't sound that bad, but it was it really was plus my arm won't stop tingling, I wonder if it's a good tingle or a bad one. I will for sure be calling my Dr. like I do almost every morning and bothering them with this! Now someone sing this song to me and all will be well, Audrey Hepburn will do....

Moon River, wider than a mile:
I'm crossin' you in style someday.
Old dream maker, you heartbreaker,
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin'your way.
Two drifters, off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end,
Waitin' round the bend,
My huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me. Thank You Uncle Mike for the salsa veggies can't wait to make it with Momma this week!

Gross?

Ok so I picked a little, it's hard to not to do it all day... I have a problem people. I will stop, I promise. Shouldn't more hair be filling in?

Two Quotes for a Saturday

"Every man has a right to a Saturday night bath." Lyndon B. Johnson

I totally agree with Lyndon on this one...but I have no bathtub. I am thinking of the perfect one, the one I had in Mexico about 4 years ago on a wonderful family trip. We were all together the dad, the mom all the boys and the big sister. Cancun Mexico. We stayed at a Villa, we listened to Devandra Banhart, we walked to the ocean, we ate beans and rice for every meal, I read Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut for the very first time, be lounged by the little pool in the back yard and I had the bath. The tub was huge, I mean like 6 feet long 4 feet wide, it was tiled in blue and I think there was two faucets. I filled it all the way up, added some sort of minty bubble goodness and soaked for like an hour. I will always remember that trip as a family best and tub right up there.


"Life is a wretched gray Saturday, but it has to be lived through." Anthony Burgess

Life must have been hard for Anthony, well Saturday's at least. My life lately has been quite a few Saturday's and I am so ready for a Monday. But I must say some good stuff has happened lately too, for example I am so filled with crazy emotions that some are bound to be good. Like love, I have so much love for this world it's wild, I want to give everyone a hug, I want to solve every ones problems (which got me in some serious trouble last week, sorry Miles) I want everyone to know I love them, no really like adore them more than anyone has ever been adored in the history of the world. Whatever drug is giving me this side effect needs to be found and bottled. So now I am gonna tell everyone I love them. I love you Anthony and Lyndon, I love you family member, I love you friend, I love you Bryon. I love you Charlie from Lost. I love you Internets.

Goodnight Saturday and Hello Sunday!

Sleep, No Thanks!

I have made peace with not sleeping. Mostly because there is so much one can do when one cannot find the Sandman. I just had some choc. milk and watched a little Gilmore Girls. I just read some blogs and had a few ritz crackers. I just made a slightly not ugly magnet. I just looked at puppies for sale at ksl.com! The snacking probably needs to stop but the rest oh I can't wait for more ways to fill my nights! Craft Time lots more cards to make! Oh and someone please buy me a puppy, preferably a night owl, like me.

I try to be crafty, these are the sad results

Picture this.... a late night 3:11 am to be exact, a pair of blue scissors, purple glue stick, a shaky restless totally neurotic woman...and she wants to make cards....millions of cards. The result, one very messy looking card and very shaky pictures to boot. I worked for almost 2 hours on one card...that's sad right, go ahead cry for me a little. Plus you have to look at the pictures it's my blog do what I say! And I have no idea how to artfully put pictures on here and by artfully I mean that it doesn't look like I have a monkey named Gigi that is my assistant and takes care of all my blogging needs.

What are all these random blank spots?! Gigi!?!

“A Day in the Life”

I love music, well come on who doesn't. I hear a song and I remember something. Eddie Money reminds me of drives in my dad's red truck Two Tickets To Paradise baby. I hear Sandman by America and it reminds me of my cousin Luke and how he puppeted Kermit the Frog to sing the lyrics for a project we did for Science class in high school. I hear Daniel Johnston Fish and think of Bryon, I hear First Day of my life by Bright Eyes and think of Bryon. I hear Two Princes and think of my mom, I hear This Life is a Test and think of all my cousins and aunties and my Uncle Larry for thinking it's a Pest instead. Lately my friends it has been a serious PEST! I make iTunes playlist all the time depending on my mood or need. I have sleeping, cleaning, relaxing and very guity pleasure ridden playlists and tonight I am going to share my current favorite that I created, you should check out some of the tunes I think my taste in music is really really good ha ha.

Oxford Comma--Vampire Weekend

I Got The Reason #2--Conor Oberst & The Mystic Valley Band

King Of Carrot Flowers Part 2 & 3--Neutral Milk Hotel

I Don't Want To Grow Up--Tom Waits

Paths Of Victory--Cat Power

Einstein on the Beach--Counting Crows

Age Of Consent--New Order

One More Hour--Sleater-Kinney

Old Man--Neil Young

I Don't Want To Know--Fleetwood Mac

The Fear--Lily Allen

LDN--Lily Allen

Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa--Vampire Weekend

Fish--Daniel Johnston

This Beard Is For Siobhán--Devendra Banhart

We Will Become Silhouettes--The Shins

Walcott-- Vampire Weekend

Enjoy my friends and look forward to tomorrow where I will posting some 3 am craft project pictures and also hopefully some improved ones I have in my brain for tonight's crazy craft lady party.

Stop Complaining and Just Cry

What a day. I woke up Miles at 9 am and made him take me to Robert's Craft.( I love Miles, he would do anything for me) I had been up for hours thinking of scrapbook paper and making magnets. Robert's Craft never fails with scrapbook paper, but no marble things I needed to make the magnets I had been thinking about all dang night. So I bought regular magnets. I was going to have dinner with my old and dear friend Adele and wanted to give her some magnets too. The ones I made were ugly and clunky and not crafty. Complaint.



I came home, I was a sweaty mess of course. Complaint. I ate my last banana yesterday. Complaint. I think everyone hates me. Complaint.



I put myself back to bed and listened to The Time Travelers Wife. I had a nice lunch. Things are looking up! I call Disability, the person on the phone is a jerk, I get nothing done and have to call back tomorrow. Complaint. Back to bed, I made about 10 To Do list on my phone during the night and I am doing nothing today. I am not pleased....Complaint. Time to get ready for dinner, a shower is always a good idea right? WRONG, it takes me 2 hours to slightly cool down and then when I get to our dinner date I have to go to the bathroom 3 times just to wash my face. The food and company were amazing so no complaint.

I decided yesterday that I need some time back in Murray with Bryon so we head to my mom's to pack my million needed things. I am sure I will be back to West Point in a few days. People need breaks from me. We head to Murray and I put my seat back and Bryon gives me a pillow and cranks the air and it is a lovely drive, but I can feel something coming.......it's the crazy, moody no fun at all Holly coming to town. We get home and Bryon puts me on the couch and goes to the store for water. I decide its a good time to read my medical records from my stay at IMC, and watch Howard's End, bad idea. Bryon returns home to a crying, sad girl who is a serious complainer. He lets me cry about all the crap from today and the crap from yesterday and the crap that will happen tomorrow and rubs my arm and gives me my evening drugs. I really don't deserve him most days. The moral of the story is I should have been crying all day not complaining.

Sweaty Beast, Jane Austen and Pain!

I have always been a sweater, I am always the person in the room who is warm/hot. I love a nice breeze and always keep a fan on my desk at every job I have had. The sweatiness I have experienced since all the medication I started taking has been ridiculous! I wake up drenched in sweat, I spend the day covered in sweat, I wipe myself down with baby wipes about 100 times a day. I can find no relief. I have a fan on me now and I need a large napkin to get rid of some of this sweat. I don't like it, I don't feel clean. I did my hair today dried it and everything, in 20 min. it was completely wet again and went into a very uncute, smelly ponytail on top of my head. OK enough sweat stories.

I love Jane Austen, all things Jane Austen. My neighbor let me borrow the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. It is heavenly! Elizabeth and all her sisters make me laugh and her mother is a hoot and Mr. Darcy, what a hunk. Mr. Collins and Charlotte! I plan on watching it at least 4 times. I am only on Disc 2 but I have plans for at least 4 more viewings, just in case the ending changes, which I always think is going to happen in movies I watch.
Day to Day pain is still constant and I don't think I remember what "normal" feels like. The sensation I feel on the right side is so strange, I can't even explain it, it's just dead and it really, really hurts. Pain medications are very weird, I get basically no relief and sometimes very rarely they just make me feel a little dizzy. I made a request for the medical field to get back to working on MRI machines, now I call them out again to work on pain medication. Take my pain away!!!
Thanks for stopping by!